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And I Pray

My stepfather checked himself into the hospital a few days ago, complaining of chest pains and problems breathing. The doctors found a mass in his lung and determined it to be cancerous. Malignant? Benign? I don't know yet. One small mass, nothing has changed in the past few days other than us finding out it is indeed cancer.

I'm not sure how to prepare myself for the inevitable.

The reality of real life is hitting me harder than ever, and this whole ordeal is so not even about me. I'm not sure anything I type tonight will make any sense.

I catch myself pausing the routine that has become my everyday life. I stop and think about the mortality of each and every single person in my life. I stare at complete strangers and wonder if I will ever see them again.

I force smiles when I can. I hold back tears when I'm not alone. I hold David's hand every single moment I can.

And I thank God I have his shoulder to cry on.

Update: As stated above, I'd planned on visiting my stepfather tomorrow; the doctor's sent him home. He was given the option for surgery and is having the tumor (mass?) removed. I'll write more when I know more.

  1. Blogger cheapblueguitar | 12/14/07, 6:09 PM |  

    *big hug*

  2. Blogger Fredo | 12/14/07, 10:24 PM |  

    Big hug to you from DC. You guys are in my thoughts.

  3. Blogger jhames | 12/14/07, 11:38 PM |  

    Oh honey. All my love to you and your family.

  4. Anonymous Mikey | 12/16/07, 9:05 AM |  

    Pray like a motherfucker. If you don't believe it works, force yourself to believe for as long as it takes. I'm not religious, but it's always in the back of my mind that there's something out there bigger than we are and all it requires of us is that we not be assholes. I actually Googled "Why aren't my prayers answered?" and, astonishgly, I found many unrelated Jewish and Fundamentalist Christian websites that concur: Start out by generally asking forgiveness for any misdeeds, forgive yourself & others (or ask the Universe to do it for you if you're weak & selfish as I am), and believe that you'll get what you pray for. My mother was in straits for 3 months this year. I Googled "healing auras" (they're green) and laid my hands on her affected areas and prayed every chance I got (when she was sleeping and no one was around). Certainly, Science had much to do with her healing. However, I think if there's some invisible shit in the Universe it uses Science as a conduit. I don't think my prayers carried any more weight than anyone else's, but I don't think they hurt either. My mother is back to her baseline, which isn;t great, butis better than Death's threshhold. Don't forget to qualify your prayers so nothing else bad happens, such as, your Dad heals but, then, he'll get hit by a bus or something. If you believe any of this and you want to take a more conventional route, there's always St. Jude, St. Teresa Benedictibne of The Cross and Mother Theresa. Best to you and your loved ones. Happy holidays.

  5. Blogger Jeff | 12/17/07, 1:25 PM |  

    Praying breathlessly for you and your family, sweets.

  6. Blogger Cyrus | 12/19/07, 8:51 AM |  

    Like everyone else...sending positive vibes from far away.

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