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Without You

This article in the local free rag made my day. The author has inspired me to make a list of my own. My list doesn't pertain to dating, but it DOES pertain to the same subject matter: General Abundant Lameness.

Ahem. I give you: a list of humans I wish I never had to deal with ever again.

10. Mr. Stinky. Everyone knows a Mr. Stinky. Stinkman, Stink-o-rama, The Stinkster, does not believe in either laundry detergent or soap. My olfactory glands can't won't let me decide. Every morning I see you and your yellow stained smile walking through my place of employment. I nod politely and try to make a mad dash to get away from you. Yet every day you stop me and I nearly pass out. Can you not see the water welling in my eyes? Do you not understand why I use one word answers? I swear, one of these days I'm gonna Febreze your ass.

9. Madame Blinders. Get the hell out of my way when you see me coming. Nicole and Paris can pull off the shades, you and your oversized Coach bag cannot. Maybe I'm just jealous, but you make me bitter.

8. Religious Freak At The Bus Stop. The next time you hand me an issue of The Watchtower and strike up an unwanted conversation with me, I will set said newspaper on fire and use it to light my cigarette. I will then blow the smoke in your face.

7. Tweaked Out Queen. Get the fuck away from me you anorexic bitch. Please, for the love of Ms. Ritchie; eat something. Anything. Just stop twirling around me in that drug induced haze. I did nothing to warrant your evil glare. Except write this. And you are never going to be coherent enough to read it.

6. Oblivious Nancy. I'm gay. It's painfully obvious. Let. It. Go.

5. Islamic Man Who Won't Sell Me Lottery Tickets. Thanks for putting a deli in the back of the store. Thanks for being open late. Please understand that by refusing to sell me my paltry two dollar gambling ticket you are in no way saving my soul. You are filling me with rage. If my sister can win ten thousand dollars, so can I. Now just gimme my damn ticket. Thank you, please come again.

4. Blind Bus Driver. It's not easy getting out of bed when it's still dark outside. It's not a comfort to wait for you on the cold dark streets of Cleveland. Please stop driving past me. I can only run so fast, and so far before my nicotine filled lungs give out.

3. Bearded Creep At The Coffee Shop. There's a reason I only order drinks when you are behind the counter. You're gross. Shave.

2. Straight Dude With They Toy Chihuahua. Riiiiiggghhhht.

1. Street Cleaner With An Agenda. Stop it. My life is not a game of Frogger. I hope you lose control of your vehicle and end up careening wildly down West Sixth and into Lake Erie. Maybe you can take out Mr. Stinky while you're at it. At least he'll get the bath he so richly deserves.

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